MESSAGE 1
You hear the usual buzzing sound.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 2
You pick up the phone and hear the voice of Gail from What Personal
Computer?, the magazine you love to write for almost as much as you
love to read it (lick, slurp).
"'Ere, scrot-bags," she says.  "Would you like to review Perfect 
Print Version 3 for us?  We'll pay 250 quid."
Your eyes light up as you realise this is the solution to your 
current problems.
Gail continues: "We'll want the review before the end of the day
though.  Bye."
You look at your watch.  It's getting late.  You'd better get a move on!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 3
C:> accounts
    wordproc
    tips
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 4
The phone is ringing.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 5
     WELCOME TO TIPS - THE RACING TIPS PROGRAM
            [This is a piece of software you've recently
            been reviewing for What Personal Computer?]
     NOW READING YOUR PC'S INTERNAL DATE AND CLOCK...

     YOUR TIP IS FOR THE NEXT RACE AT:
     KEMPTON
     2.15
     GETALONGLAD

     A DEAD CERT!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 6
          [The word processor contains your most recent letter
             to your bank manager begging for more time...]

     Dear Mr Scrooge
     I apologise for the recent non-payment of my mortgage but it's
     not an easy life being a freelance journalist.  When I first
     started in this line of work five years ago...

          [...and so it goes on.  Sob, sob!  Unfortunately
                Scrooge's heart is stony ground!]
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 7
        [Thank IBM that accounts packages don't have emotions or
          yours would groan as it tots up your bank balance.]

     BALANCE: 250.00 POUNDS OVERDRAWN
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 8
C:> bad command or file name
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 9
The ladder teeters dangerously.  Like everything else in the flat
it's falling to bits.  With a terrible crack it deposits you to 
the floor.  Luckily you suffer only minor bruises and pick
yourself up.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 10
One shoe off and one shoe on, you hobble around.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 11
Whoever said the streets of London were paved with gold was wrong.  
In your neighbourhood they're paved with something soft and smelly
which has just squished up between your naked toes.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 12
As you proceed barefooted, you hippy you, you tread on a rusty old
tin lid.  Within seconds it has poisoned your blood and you collapse
in a coma.  Really, a pair of shoes might be a good idea next time! 
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 13
Fortunately you are a sensible member of the community and took the
police security officer's advice about fitting a good, firm lock on
your front door.  Unfortunately for you, you have just locked the key
inside.  Ever have the feeling it was going to be one of those days?
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 14
You fall down heavily and the ladder breaks with a nasty crack.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 15
Getting the tile isn't that easy.  Try pulling it.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 16
The tile breaks away into two six inch square pieces which you get.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 17
Even Houdini couldn't climb something that he was carrying.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 18
You find a fiver tangled amongst the privet's leaves.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 19
You know how there are always loads of those tiny little pens in
bookies?  Well, unfortunately there's been a run of them in this
one and you have nothing to write with!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 20
How much will that be for?
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 21
You give the cheque to the cashier.  She consults the computer then
vanishes somewhere.  Tapping your foot you wait.  Suddenly a door
opens and the bank manager appears.
"Would you please come with me?" he asks in a voice that suggests
you'd better follow.
He leads you into a small side office where he gives you a lecture
on writing cheques when you're wildly overdrawn.  An hour or more
passes as delivers homilies about the value of thrift worthy of
Samuel Smiles.  Eventually you can take no more and scream, "If
I hadn't been stuck here listening to you I'd have earned enough
money to pay the mortgage.  Now I'll never get the job done."
"What a pity," he sympathises and a sickly smile creeps across his
reedy lips (is this like Dickens or what?).  "Then we shall have
to repossess your flat after all.  What a shame."
Searching your pockets for any small change he throws you out onto
the street.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 22
Without a flicker of interest the cashier takes the leaflet and hands
you your free gift.  For a moment you feel flattered that she thought
you were still young enough to be a student... then you realise her
glasses appear to be made out of the ends of coke bottles and your old
gran would probably look juvenile to her.
You now have your free gift: a fascinating booklet about fish.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 23
She hands back the cheque.  In a tone that suggests you're the most
incredible moron ever to walk the face of this earth (and on the
grounds of 'it takes one to know one', she's an expert) she says,
"You've not written how much it's for yet."
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 24
You stroll nonchalantly away with a sudden ping you're brought
to the floor.  The chain on the pen you're still holding must
be stronger than it looks.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 25
How much will you make it out for?
END_MESSAGE

(REM swear responses)

MESSAGE 26
I always try that to see what happens as well.  Here's the answer...
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 27


A:>
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 28
Bet that scared you, didn't it?  Don't do it again!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 29
I warned you about this.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 30
The runners are:
1 Fast Fancy; 2 Turbocharged; 3 Getalonglad; 4 Serendipity
Which horse do you want?  Please Write number 1 to 4.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 31
Sorry, that horse isn't running today.  Please choose a number
from 1 to 4.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 32
They're under starter's orders at Kempton and... THEY'RE OFF!

And it's Turbocharged is the early leader ahead of Fast Fancy. 
They're followed close on by Serendipity and last is Getalonglad
which was slow out of the stalls.

Now they're nearing the half-way mark and it's still Turbocharged
who's starting to weaken with Fast Fancy coming up fast on the rails
while Serendipity starts a run with Getalonglad bringing up the rear.

A furlong from home and Fast Fancy fades while Serendipity streaks past 
the weakening Turbocharged while someway behind them is Getalonglad.

They're nearing the line and Serendipity looks set to win this...

BUT what's this.  A sudden late burst from Getalonglad.  It's eating
up the ground.  I've never seen a horse sprint like this.  It's neck and
neck with Serendipity.  It's pulling ahead.  And at the line Getalonglad
beats Serendipity by a short head.

And the result...
First, outsider Getalonglad at 3/1.
Second, the favourite, Serendipity at 2/1 on.
All four ran.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 33
A big smile on your face you go to the counter to collect your
winnings.  Handing the clerk your copy of the slip she gives you
a twenty-pound note.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 34
You lost.  Well, that's par for the course.  After all, did you
ever see a bankrupt bookie?
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 35
You give the slip and your five pound stake to the clerk.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 36
The punter looks around then whispers to you conspiratorially.
"If you want my tip go for Serendipity.  It's a dead cert."
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 37
You scribble down your selection.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 38
You've not filled in the slip yet, you pranny!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 39
Generous beings as they are, the bookies of this country remain 
unwilling to accept bets from punters who don't have the cash to
pay for them should they (heaven forbid) lose!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 40
After a few happy moments of chatter you realise the person isn't
present and you're talking to yourself.  Really, the strain must
be getting to you!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 41
The beggar speaks: "Have you got any change?"
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 42
The beggar asks: "Can you spare us the price of a cuppa?"
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 43
The beggar pleads: "Could you help us out with twenty pence?"
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 44
What???  Are you crazy!!!  There you are bankrupt and you want to
give him all that money?  Would your bank manager approve?
Seriously, are you sure you want to make this rash (not to mention 
non-tax deductible) donation?
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 45
The beggar smiles at you.  "Now it was twenty pence I needed so
you'll be wanting some change."  He counts out large numbers of
coins.  You now have #VAR9# pence... it sounds more that way!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 46
You only have a note on you at the moment.  You need some
smaller change.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 47
Amazingly the machine works and with a clatter accepts your
change and vomits out a ticket which you pick up.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 48
Nice idea but unfortunately you don't have any money with you.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 49
That's the right idea but at the wrong time.  Try a more orthodox
approach first.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 50
How very butch of you, indulging in gratuitous violence.  Frankly I
blame all these television programmes.  Actually there's only one
place in this adventure where physical aggression pays off... and
that's against an inanimate object.  So spare the muscle,
you macho thing!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 51
Surprise, surprise... the machine swallows your money but doesn't
deliver the sweets.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 52
With a rattle and wheeze a drawer finally spills open and hits you
in the stomach.  When you pick yourself up off the platform you
see a packet of sweets.  Admittedly they're fruit pastilles...
not what you wanted but you should be grateful you got anything
in this harsh and heartless world!
  You see a packet of sweets.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 53
You really should try pulling first... the machine might even give
you some sweets that way!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 54
The drawers contain:
1) chocolate raisins
2) extra strong mints
3) fruit and nut chocolate bars
4) hand made Belgian truffles...
sorry, they're liquorice allsorts after all.

Which drawer do you want?  Please input a figure from 1 to 4.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 55
You take a wild swing at thin air.  Are you sure you're feeling
okay, hitting things which aren't there?
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 56
As you unfurl the wrapping paper the pastilles fall out into
your hand.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 57
The guard sits in his seat as the train thunders along the tunnel.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 58
The guard stands and looks out of the open doors.  You can now leave
to the North if you wish.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 59
The train draws into a station and the guard stands.  The doors to 
the North open.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 60
The doors close and the guard sits as the train leaves the station.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 61
He scowls at his open lunch box and eyes you suspiciously.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 62
You made the mistake of interfering with a hungry tube guard's lunch.
He now picks you up and hurls you down the length of the carriage.
As you smash into the far wall you think: Gosh!  I mustn't make that
mistake again!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 63
You get off the train.  Unfortunately this is the wrong station.
By the time you've discovered this elementary fact it's too late
and you've missed your deadline so will everything.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 64
You now have the white bread.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 65
A train pulls into the station.  You can now go South to board it.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 66
The trainhas left the station and the next one could take anything 
from two minutes to three weeks to arrive, depending on the whims 
of London Underground Limited... very limited, that is!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 67
According to the map this is the stop you want.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 68
How much longer are you going to sit on this train?  By now you're
so far past your stop you're somewhere near Dover Central and heading
out under the Channel.  Now you'll never get back in time to write
the review.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 69
The doors close and the train starts.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 70
You are standing rather shakily in the crowded train.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 71
You sit down opposite the drunk who leers at you and tries to indulge
in conversation, punctuated by many belches.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 72
The drunk scratches himself and asks you, "Do you like to screw?"
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 73
You stand and walk away from the drunk.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 74
The drunk is asleep and the other passengers would be grateful if
you wouldn't wake him!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 75
You're already sitting.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 76
You're already standing.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 77
Laughing, the drunk give you a small screwdriver.  He chuckles at
his joke (joke?!?) and soon falls asleep, much to everybody's relief.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 78
You have just arrived at your destination.  The doors open and you
are just in time to leap out before they slam shut again.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 79
The barrier swallows your ticket and allows you through.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 80
As you collide painfully with the midriff-high barrier you realise
that you have no ticket.  Before you have a chance to wonder how
you'll rectify this situation a red-faced, officious looking London
Underground lackey approaches you.  "Let's see your ticket," he 
snarls, the bloodlust already upon him.  Your nervous explanation
that you're a freelance computer journalist on a life and death 
assignment seems to cut no ice with him.
"Travelling on London Underground without a ticket is a serious 
offence," he smiles grimly...
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 81
The trendy salesman takes one look at the dustbin you're dragging 
after you and having decided that it's not the latest fashion 
accessory says, "Of course, it's rubbish day.  There's a pile of 
junk for you to shift in the back room."  He waves you through to 
the North.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 82
The trendy salesman glides between you and the doorway.  "Would 
sir mind keeping himself to the shop?" he asks with a sickly grin.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 83
Before you can pick up any of the cd's the trendy salesman leaps 
to your side.  Looking you up and down in the most scathing fashion
he returns the disc to the rack.  "I'm sure that isn't the sort 
of music you'd like to listen to," he oozes. 
Though it's obviously a damning judgement on your lack to
trendiness, he's probably doing you a kindness!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 84
For a moment the salesman looks around as if irritated by the buzz 
of a gnat.  Finally his eyes alight upon you.  "I think you're 
more likely to find what you're looking for down at the local jumble
sale."
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 85
For a moment you think the salesman has had a seizure.  Then he 
falls about laughing.  Just before his face turns puce he manages 
to gasp the word, "Supertramp..."
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 86
"Excuse me," the salesman trills, "Is that a new fashion or are 
you dressed like a computer journalist for a bet."
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 87
The salesman appears to be gargling... no, he's just humming his 
favourite Eskimo love chant (12" mega-igloo remix)
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 88
The salesman surveys you carefully then politely tells you, "You're
welcome to look around but would you mind leaving quietly if any of
our regulars comes in.  I wouldn't want your dress sense to 
offend them."
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 89
The salesman pulls a Polaroid camera from under the counter and
takes a picture of you.  "Just to show my friends," he explains, 
"Otherwise they'd probably never believe me."
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 90
As you try to prise the third pearl from the compass face the antique
shop owner appears from behind a granfather clock.  He stares at
you, his eyes bulging.  Something tells you he's not pleased at 
the vandalism of his favourite nautical relic. 
"Right," he roars, "I've had enough of your sort.  It's off to the 
local police station with you."
As he drags you down the high street resistance seems useless, unless 
you fancy trying to complete this game without your head.  Pretty 
soon you're assisting the Metropolitan Police with their enquiries.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 91
Ben splutters, "Bargain Ben's me name and bargains is me game."
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 92
"See anything you like?" asks Ben.  "You won't find bigger bargains."
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 93
"Of course we can't offer guarantees at these prices but you won't
go far wrong buying here," promises the seedy salesman.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 94
"Some of this stuff was meant for Harrods only there were minor 
flaws. You'd better snap it up before some Arab nips in and buys 
the lot," enthuses Ben.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 95
"Look at all these bargains," says Ben, waving his hands around.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 96
A computerised voice rings out.  "Please choose a floor.  One is 
street level.  Two is the programmers offices.  Three is reception."
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 97
You're already there.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 98
The doors glide shut and with a brief start the lift shudders into
action.  As they pass the second floor they temporarily stop, then
move on again.  The doors glide open again to reveal your destination.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 99
The doors glide shut and with a brief start the life shudders into
action.  However as it reaches the second floor the computerised 
voice announces:  "Second floor security pass required.  Access 
denied."  The lift returns to its starting point and the doors glide
open once more.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 100
As you try to sneak out of the shop with the compass, the owner
appears from behind a granfather clock.  He stares at you, his
eyes bulging.  Something tells you he's not pleased at the
vandalism of his favourite nautical relic. 
"Right," he roars, "I've had enough of your sort.  It's off to the 
local police station with you."
As he drags you down the high street resistance seems useless, unless 
you fancy trying to complete this game without your head.  Pretty 
soon you're assisting the Metropolitan Police with their enquiries.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 101
Suddenly the jovial store keeper's mood turns nasty: "You wouldn't
be trying to leave without paying Ben for that bargain can of sardines
(only slightly battered) would you?"  He bars your way.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 102
You could spend the rest of the day pushing any selection of random 
numbers but the only ones which will move the lift are 1, 2 and 3.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 103
Which floor do you want: please type PRESS followed by the number.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 104
You make a massive pull and with a whirr of gears the roller
towel comes free.  Your foot slips on the glossy black tiles and 
you skid backwards towards the window.  With a mighty crash you 
smash through the glass and fall towards the ground.  Fortunately
your senses are still deadened by the lager and instinctively you 
keep hold of the towel.  As it reaches its end you swing in towards 
the building and crash through a second floor window!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 105
You make a massive pull and with a whirr of gears the roller
towel comes free.  Your foot slips on the glossy black tiles and
you skid backwards towards the window.  With a mighty crash you 
smash through the glass and fall towards the ground.  Your fast-working 
brain makes a snap evaluation of the situation: pulling the towel 
got me into this fix.  It therefore instructs your hands to release 
the towel.  Mere nanoseconds later it realises this is possibly 
an unwise response... however by then it's too late to grasp your 
lifeline.  Making a sound rather like a dive bomber you accelerate 
towards the concrete.  You try explaining how you got there with 
two broken legs to the ambulancemen but they're too busy laughing 
to take it all in!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 106
The receptionist leaps to her feet and brandishes an aerosol of 
extremely expensive scent.  "I'd have you know I'm trained in seven 
martial arts and black belt in five of them," she warns.  "That 
door is for authorised personnel only."  Something in her tone tells
you she means it.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 107
As you march into the reception you can see that a visitor is the 
last thing the receptionist wanted.  With ann icy sneer she announces,
"If you're with the Jehovah's Witnesses you're out of luck.  We only
worship mammon."  You try to explain that you're a computer journalist
but her withering expression indicates you'd have done better trying 
to talk about religion with her.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 108
The receptionist doesn't seem in the least interested in your plight.
"We get all sorts of people in here with all sorts of stories," she 
snorts.  "If you're hoping for a free copy of one of our products
I'll need to see some proof that you should receive one."
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 109
The receptionist looks up from her copy of Vogue.  "Somebody will
deal with you soon," she snaps.  "Now will you please sit down?"
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 110
Grudgingly the receptionist takes the press release from your hand 
with as much distaste as if it were a three week old dead haddock!
Scanning it her expression falls even further.  "Then I suppose 
I'd better get our public relations person to see to you.  Would 
you mind taking a seat?"  She taps out a number on the internal 
phone with her elegantly manicured fingernails and hisses into it.
You don't hear what she says but you're sure it's not complimentary!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 111
Suddenly the door behind the receptionist bursts open and the PR
person, wearing an expensively casual suit and carrying a glass 
of warm lager, bounds into the room.  "Good to see you," he chirps.
"Being taken care of?  Good.  You're here about the new version 
of Word Wonderful aren't you?  Well, there's some good news and some 
bad news.  (Ha, ha)  It's not quite finished yet but you're more 
than welcome to wait here if you want.  Here's a drink to keep you 
going... but we would be grateful if you could leave at 7.00pm and
return at 8.30 am if you intend to persist in your vigil.  I'm sorry 
I can't chat with you any longer but I've just reached level 12 
of Zarquon Alien Invaders and want to get back to it.  See you."
And as quickly as he appeared he's gone again, leaving you with 
the warm lager.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 112
As you drink the lager a tipsy warm glow spreads through your body.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 113
The lager's tipsy warm glow is followed by an associated feeling 
in the region of your bladder.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 114
The pressure on your bladder grows as the lager percolates through
your system.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 115
You're just thinking how quickly the lager has reached the old water-
works when the worst happens.  The combination of liquid intake and
fizzy CO2 is too much for your system and your bladder explodes...  
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 116
At this stage of the game I shall take over and spare you the 
embarrassment of seeking synonyms for utilising the urinal!  You 
relieve yourself and as your eyeballs stop swimming, wash your hands.  
Then you look round for something to dry them on...
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 117
You try to dry your hands but the towel appears to be stuck and 
there's hardly enough to wipe a finger nail.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 118
You sit.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 119
You stand.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 120
The receptionist can scarcely disguise her disgust as she looks 
up.  "Are you still here?" she snaps.  "Look, you've got a free 
drink out of your visit.  Why not finish it and go?"
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 121
The great thing about pocket computers is how easily they slip into
pockets... then slip out again.  Your search reveals one which has
obviously escaped its owner while they were engaged in a call of nature.
This could prove very useful later... and because of that we won't 
ask why you go rooting around urinals.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 122
Time, tide and magazine deadlines wait for nobody.  Your sterling
efforts have been in vain but you're too late.  The pages will be
filled with another review.
Or to put it another way, don't you think you've spent long enough
playing this silly game?  Haven't you got work to do?
It is possible to do it all within the time limit and we're sure
you'll succeed another day but for now...
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 123
Rather than risk a hernia you're advised to drop whichever heavy
object you've been lugging around before you can proceed.  After all
you're supposed to be a computer journalist, not Charles Atlas...
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 126
As you read through the fascinating fish booklet you see a picture 
you recognise.  Quickly consulting the photograph and the fish that
you hold you realise that it's not a red herring after all but a 
pink sardine!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 127
The programmer whines he wants some high protein food before he'll work.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 128
The programmer says he must have 'brain food' to complete the program.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 129
Without something in his rumbling stomach the progammer won't continue.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 131
The programmer accepts it.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 132
"Even if I need more minerals in my diet I can hardly eat a sardine 
tin," the programmer sneers.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 133
"What use is that to me?" asks the programmer.  "It's just a red 
herring."
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 134
"Looking at the piece of bread the programmer whinges: "Of course
I'd really love a bit of toast," and starts singing that dreadful 
novelty pop song of a few years back.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 135
The silver paper vanishes into the lock and successfully short-circuits
the door which whirrs open.  You can now go East.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 136
The door marked Fire Exit is open to the East.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 137
Ben grabs the 25p from your hand and winks.  "I like somebody who
recognises a bargain.  You should shop here more often!"
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 138
The programmer takes the toast and other ingredients to create the 
most disgusting sandwich you have ever seen.  He loves it... but 
then again he is a programmer.
"Yum," he smiles.  "Fish for my cerebellum, peanuts to give me energy 
and toast to fill the aching void... burp!"
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 139
Upon opening the reject sardine can you discover that it contains 
peanut butter!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 140
"I need some really sublime sounds for my head," moans the programmer.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 141
After several minutes of trying to scrawl a 1,000 word review on 
the back of your hand with a dirty finger nail you give up and realise
you'd better leave this particular job until you've got some sort of
writing implement.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 142
Adeptly the programmer unscrews the PC case and slides off the lid
to reveal the usual circuit board, hard and floppy drives, a buzzing
fan and two empty slots.  He unplugs the wires that connect the 
fan to the PSU and it stops whirring.  Slowly the temperature of 
the PC rises.  Then with a chuckle the programmer inserts the bread
into the slots and leaves it for a couple of minutes.  To your 
amazement the spongy white bread begins to brown and becomes a 
couple of pieces of golden toast!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 143
"No way," the programmer tells you.  "You're not getting it."
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 144
His culinary needs attended to the programmer surveys the tape.  
"Oh, wow, my all-time favourite.  He slips it into the personal 
stereo and pretty soon an unearthly wailing of the sort made by 
tone deaf people who are oblivious to listeners can be heard.  At 
least he's happy though and his fingers fly around the keyboard 
as he types in the last lines of code required for Word Wonderful.
Eventually he holds the disk aloft.  "There you are.  It's completed."
Hardly able to believe your luck you watch as he loads the program 
and it runs.  He quickly demonstrates all its features them moves 
aside for you to have a go.  All your training as a computer
journalist comes into play as you rush though the program but 
pretty soon you feel you've mastered the major points.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 145
"You work with computers then, do you?" asks the cabbie like the 
cheerful cockney cliche he is.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 146
"What do you think of that Madonna then?  Still, they don't write
songs like they used to."  Something tells you that the cabbie is
trying to engage you in conversation.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 147
"You'll never guess who I had in the back of here," observes the
cabbie.  Considering the current population of the world this seems
like a fair surmise but he still challenges you.  "Go on then, 
have a guess."
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 148
"Fine," sniffs the cabbie.  "I'm just a working man.  Ignore me."
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 149
"Here you are then... What Personal Computer?  That'll cost 
you 15 quid"
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 150
The cabbie starts to eye you suspiciously.  "You have got the money
haven't you?"  He's not opening the locks on the door.  Searching 
through your change you realise... no, you have not got the money.  
"Err..." you hazard as an opening gambit.
"Right," he says, his cheery cockney visage adopting a nasty expression.
"I've had enough of your sort."  And he drives off, mumbling to 
himself about, "Flamin' yuppies trying to bilk me."
He steers like a madman round the London streets (strange he proceeded 
at a snail's pace when you were paying) as you try to explain you'll
pay him as soon as possible if only he could see his way...
Only he can't.  The cab screeches to a halt outside a police station 
and using the powers of arrest vested in him as a London cab driver 
he hauls you inside.
Something tells you that your deadline will be long gone by the 
time you've got out of the cells!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 151
Oh well, you asked for it.  Having engaged the cabbie in friendly
conversation you then have to listen ot his views on everything 
from the UN to giant pandas.  The monologue only comes to an end 
as you rumble up outside EMAP towers and the What Personal Computer?
offices.  The cab door to the North opens.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 152
Grudgingly you pay the cabbie.  He grabs the last few coins from 
your hand.  "Generous tip, thanks guv."  The door flies open and 
you're ejected onto the pavement as he roars off.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 153
The right idea but the wrong time and place.  For a creative soul 
such as yourself you need a little peace and quiet to hammer out 
your review.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 154
You have to produce 1,000 words.  That's taken care of the first 250.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 155
Congratulations.  500 words and every one a beauty.  You're
half-way there.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 156
Inspiration has struck.  Only another 250 words to go.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 157
You type out the last full stop.  You've written your 1,000 
word review just as the cab roars up outside EMAP towers, home
of What Personal Computer's offices.  The door to the North opens.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 158
You've already written your review.  They won't pay extra for
another one!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 159
Oh well, you asked for it.  Having engaged the cabbie in friendly
conversation you have to listen to his views on everything from 
the UN to giant pandas.  The monologue only comes to an end as you
rumble up outside EMAP towers and the What Personal Computer? offices
and the door to the North opens.  You never managed to finish your
review!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 160
As you step forward a sudden gust of wind blows you off your feet 
and torrential rain blinds you.  You try to struggle forward but
unable to see where you're going you slip on a discarded mouse and 
plummet through an open window to your demise.
See, I warned you you were heading towards a ferocious looking gale!
Now you're another innocent victim of an atrocious pun!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 161
As you start to walk forward a mysterious figure approaches.  It's
none other than Mystic Mavis.
"Cross my palm with silver..." she croaks, then recognises you.  
"Oh, you freelances never have any cash to spare.  Never mind, I 
can still do you a favour.  You stole some pearls from a compass?"
"Yes," you reply.  "The ones from south and west."  Mystic Mavis 
casts her hands above them.  In a cloud of smoke they're transformed 
into a bright yellow sou'wester.  Mystic Mavis cackles wildly at 
her joke, but could there be method in her madness?
  There is a waterproof sou'wester here
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 162
As you step forward a sudden gust of wind blows you off your feet 
and torrential rain blinds you.  See, I warned you you were heading 
towards a ferocious looking gale!  Fortunately the sou'wester keeps 
the water out of your eyes and you make it through the downpour
(not to mention the second attrocious pun in the space of a few 
seconds) to the office.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 163
As the staff of What Personal Computer? busily work away they sing
a happy song.  "Hi ho, hi ho..."
Sorry, that's Snow White And The Seven Dwarves!
As the staff of What Personal Computer? slave away they barely have
time to look up to greet you.  Eventually Gail glances up and her
ferocious look turns into a smile.  "I didn't think you'd manage,"
she says.  "Where's the review?"
Now you know what it feels like to have your heart fall through 
your boots.  You've seen the program but somehow you've failed to 
produce a review.  Whoops!
"Well that's not much help is  it?" scoffs Gail.  "What are you 
going to do?  Phone each of our readers and tell them individually."
In shame you shuffle from the office to prepare for life as a pauper.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 164
Now you're at your destination, the taxi driver no longer seems 
interested in conversation.
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 165
Now that is an interesting idea but if you try to write review of
products you've not yet seen you won't be able to work for What
Personal Computer at least!
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 166
The clerk hands the slip back to you.  "Can't you read, high roller.
The minimum bet is a fiver.  It's... err, inflation."
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 240
This will cost you 10 points and there's no guarantee that there
even is a hint here.  Isn't life tough?
END_MESSAGE

MESSAGE 250
Sorry, you can't do that.
END_MESSAGE

